Or is it Happy Life, Happy Wife

Here’s another old saying that gets kicked around now and again. Someone mentions it around a newlywed or a group of husbands joke about it (out of the wives’ earshot of course). The underlying thought to the statement is that an unhappy wife casts a dark cloud over the rest of the home, and every single member of the family is affected.

I’ll admit that I like it when my wife is happy. Actually it’s more about when she’s able to rest in real joy. Happiness is such a fleeting emotion that can literally come and go in a nanosecond. It is solely based on how current circumstances are affecting us. Joy, on the other hand, stems from a depth of spirit, and it is something we can rest in no matter what is surrounding us in a given moment. The Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord can be in us, and that it can be full.

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.        -John 15:11

If it resides in us, and it can be full, it doesn’t matter what things might be happening outside of us. The indwelling joy can overcome whatever we might be facing at a given time. Isn’t that great news?

So, back to happy (joyful) wives. I read some counseling training a while back that included a note from a husband. He was discussing how he attempts to keep his wife happy in normal everyday life. One of his quotes really jumped out to me.

He said, “Happy wife? Are you kidding me? I’m just trying to keep my wife from being hostile, combative, and argumentative. Happy is a pipe dream, and when it happens I’m 100% stunned!”

WOW! He went on to say that despite having that negative mindset he honestly tries to do the things that he knows she wants done. So, while his motives are definitely skewed, he does spend time trying to be attentive to the things that matter to his wife. I found myself thinking that’s a good thing…I guess. She wants things done a certain way, he does them, and everyone’s happy.

However, after spending some time mulling it over, I decided that it’s really not a good thing at all. Our motives matter! The reason we do things is really the most important part. Our actions can often be a facade we use to show others what we want them to see. On top of that, this husband’s actions are actually way more about his desires than his wife’s. It’s ultimately a practice in selfishness. He does particular things just to keep his wife off his case. It’s really all about him.

If you’re thinking, “What’s the problem? Everybody seems to get what they want”, I’ll tell you. This kind of bartering system whereby I do some things and you do some things in order to build some semblance of harmony in the home is a sham. It never works. Both he and she have no joy. What will inevitably occur in this husband’s (and almost certainly his wife’s) heart is a building up of disdain. He will continue to try to do those things to attain his level of peacefulness, but he will become angry, bitter and then resentful. Instead of building a lasting peace and joy in the home and marriage, he will come to resent his wife and the fact that he has to be married to her.

Now, not every marriage in that state ends. Some can sustain that level of cohabitation without many flare ups or confrontations. They continue to do their own things, staying out of each other’s way, and doing enough to stay cordial. They might even experience a passing moment of intimacy together, and no one is the wiser to the actual state of the marriage. Tragically, many marriages end up like this.

What’s missing? Why do so many marriages struggle and others end? The most important ingredient is missing. That is love. We’re talking about the kind of love that brings you joy to serve your spouse. It’s the opposite of this husband’s motive. Instead of just doing stuff to keep peace, and keep his wife quiet, the husband who truly wants to be a source of God’s joy for his wife will faithfully, cheerfully, generously serve her.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.        -Ephesians 5:25, 28

Learning how your spouse works, what he or she likes, and what he or she doesn’t like is living in understanding and wisdom (1 Peter 3:7). Serving her because you have committed to love her all the days of your life is what it is all about. Do that in a gracious and generous way and see where happiness shows up over and over in your marriage. The joy that comes from the Lord, lived out in your marriage, will manifest itself in repeated moments of happiness.

Stop & Smell The Burning Wood

In a world where time marches on, and things continually change, this chilly afternoon & evening by the fire was such a great blessing. Kym and I sat by the fire, both doing work on our own computers, and watching a few movies. It was very peaceful and relaxing in a world where things move too fast most of the time. Pretty cool just to have a rare day of down time together.

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We’ve seen quite a few things change in the past couple years as our children have grown, and are often busy with their own things. I’ve written (here) about how that hasn’t been exactly easy on this dad’s heart, and how it’s been a learning stage of life for both Kym and myself. Funny how God is always teaching something and stretching us.

Seems like today God wanted to show a glimpse of what life might have in store every now and then during this new stage. Thankfully, by his grace, I didn’t miss the beauty and ease of this day. He gifted our crazy North Texas area with a chilly day, and we enjoyed the sounds of a crackling fire for hours.

I’ll see your rudeness, and raise you kindness.

I guess the dude had been forced, unnecessarily, to wait for an extended amount of time (like 52 seconds) before someone noticed him, and asked what they could do for him. I mean, really. C’mon! He had decided to patronize your establishment, and you ignored him for nearly a whole minute? What is this world coming to, when you can’t walk in to a store and be immediately served? Heavy sarcasm definitely intended.

Lately I’ve made several trips to a certain coffee shop, and come to know some of the morning employees. I’ve also seen some of the usual customers who stop in regularly in the early morning hours. It’s always been cool to me to build customer/worker relationships at my favorite places. Ever since I first watched some Cheers episodes, I’ve wanted to be a “Norm”.  I like getting to know people, and you’d be amazed at what you can learn from others.

At this particular java spot, I’ve been in awe of one of the managers. The way he handles customers, and seems like he genuinely wants to help people have a good day is inspiring. I wish I could say I’ve been shocked by some of the customers’ attitudes and actions, but unfortunately rudeness and anger are all too common these days.

This manager’s gentle and kind way of handling even the most aggravated and frustrated customer has reminded me of a simple truth- how you respond is your choice. Just this morning the man who had to wait almost a whole minute without being served felt it necessary to berate the manager. He clearly decided that he was justified in treating this manager so poorly. Yet, this manager responded with kindness, and did his best to help this man have a better day. He literally said he was sorry for this man’s wait (52 seconds) at least three times, gave him a free coffee, and said he hopes that he has a much better day. In the face of this jerky behavior, I was amazed at the self-control and appearance of genuine kindness of this manager.

I’m not sure if he is a follower of Jesus or not, but he definitely acted like it. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:9,

Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to treat everyone with kindness. It doesn’t say we should do it only when others are kind to us. In fact, the Bible says we are to “love your enemies” in Matthew 5:44.

Truth: people are going to treat you badly. They will put themselves before everyone else, and take out their frustrations on you, sometimes in a very nasty and ugly way.

Another truth: you do not have to repay that sentiment with ugliness of your own. In fact, try the kindness route and see just how many times you can defuse their angst. You’ll be surprised at what a little kindness will do.

Now, do not expect every angry, belligerent person to soften in response to your kindness. Sometimes they’re just too far gone, and lost in the middle of their bad attitude. But, remember, you’re choosing kindness as a matter of principal, and not just to change the other person. More times than not, it will work wonders. And, even when it doesn’t work, you will know you did what you could to help them.

I’m a Pastor & a Sinner

Thankfully, the concept that pastors are somehow more spiritual and closer to God has been blown to pieces over the years. Unfortunately it has happened due to gross sin being exposed in the lives of pastors and ministry leaders. Even so, it’s a great thing to get fixed in your mind…we are all sinners.

Sin appears in my life daily. Often they are sins of commission, where I am very aware that I have missed the mark of godliness by my direct actions. Other times they are sins of omission, where I again am aware that I missed the mark, but by my inaction. Then, there are times that I miss the mark, but I do not realize it at the moment. In every case, I have lived out my life in a way that falls short of the glory of God.

By God’s grace, and thanks to his mercy, I am able to see my sin. Granted, I do not always see it or even admit it easily, but God has a way of bringing people into my life who help me recognize my sin. This allows me the honor of working on growing in these areas.

What I struggle with (just behind dishonoring God with my sin) is the pain that my sin causes others. This is never more evident than in my own nuclear family. God has richly blessed me with three wonderful gifts to be part of my family. These people know me best, and neither of them have run for the hills. They see the faults, the struggles, the angry moments, etc.

Sometimes I am more concerned with being right than listening. Other times I seek my own agenda rather than seeking to lead and love well. My reaction to tense situations and discussions is often to protect my own interests. When I have messed up, or I need to answer for something I did or said, I tend to defend myself at all costs. In these moments, my family feels the pain of my sin.

However, they don’t give up on me. They don’t beat me down when I mess up. Somehow they still love me, care for me, and help me work towards being more like Jesus. Talk about a man being blessed way beyond what he deserves. Wow!

I think that is because they understand that they too are sinful. They understand that we all, no matter how hard we strive to honor God, fall short (Romans 3:23) of the standard set by Jesus. Having these kind of people around you is paramount in helping you realize your sin, and push you to grow in Christlikeness. Because God is so awesome, he has also placed others in my life that have license to speak directly into my life.

One question for you as you read through this short post: Do you realize that you are a sinner, and do you let people in your life have license to help you grow? That’s more like two questions in one, but it’s okay.

To my family: Thank you from the bottom of my sinful heart for sticking with me, by my side, and allowing God to use you in my life. I’m not sure where I’d be without you.

 

Tebow Time & His Airness

It’s super late, actually just really early…1:15am to be exact. Yesterday, during his first professional baseball game, when he saw his first pitch, Tim Tebow promptly deposited it deep over the center field fence. Yes, he hit the very first pitch he saw out of the ballpark. Now, this fact has nothing to do with what Tim’s baseball career might or might not be. If you know anything about baseball, you know it is a difficult game, and it can take years and lots of hard work for a minor league player to make it to the big leagues. Then, it takes even more hard work to stay there.

So, again, I am not saying this proves that Tim Tebow is the next baseball phenom. However, that one swing, and all the hoopla around it did get me thinking. Truth is, I’ve been perturbed ever since Tim announced that he was going to tryout for major league scouts. What bothered me was the way so many people (experts and amateur fans) quickly and summarily dismissed Tim’s chances.

It reminded me of the Sports Illustrated cover that convinced me to never pick up another issue. bag-it-michael-si

In 1994, the magazine decided to sell a few more thousand copies by slamming  Michael Jordan for his attempt to play professional baseball. He cut off all communication with Sports Illustrated, even to this day.

Both of these men have something in common- they are winners. In their professional lives, whatever they’ve attempted, it seems something inside them wills them to win. Michael Jordan is considered the best basketball player of all time. Tim Tebow was one of the best college football players ever. He was the first sophomore to win the Heisman Trophy, and he lead the University of Florida to 2 national championships in three years. Even in his very short NFL career, Tim had a knack for getting his team the win.

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However, critics can’t seem to say enough bad things. Michael didn’t make it to the major leagues, and maybe Tim won’t either. But, it seems to me that every man and woman should be given the opportunity to try something without being lambasted and denounced as a failure before they even get started.

Honestly, some people are probably dissuaded from even attempting something new just because of the very real chance they’ll be trashed by others. This cynical approach to life, and seeming joy we take in bashing those who dare to stray from what we think they should do is a sad trend in our society. It makes me wonder just what would magazines, blogs, and sports talk shows be filled with, if negativity and cynicism didn’t exist.

So, let me give you this quick bit of encouragement…DO IT NOW! Whatever it is that you’ve been wanting to try, dying to see if you can accomplish, hoping you could find the courage to try…just get up off your couch and get started.

As a believer and follower of God, I’m inspired and motivated by this verse in the Bible,

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.     -2 Corinthians 9:8

Whether you are coming from a foundation of faith in God or not, you will need inspiration. You will face cynicism, and you need to be able to shake loose the doubters and haters. Then, pick yourself up and get started. I am reminded of another story that challenges and inspires me ever year on May 21st. That day in 1982, a 21-year-old Cal Ripken, Jr. was inserted into the starting lineup by Baltimore manager Earl Weaver, where he would remain for the next 2,631 games. He played every single baseball game for the Orioles for more than 16 years.

The only way a story like that happens is by someone getting started. So, when the voices are telling you that you’re not good enough, and they say you can’t do it, that you’ll fail if you try, that’s when you will be faced with a decision- go forward or give up. You’re likely to face that kind of decision many times in your life, but it can be an especially difficult one when you’re changing course, or trying something new.

Just tell those cynics…well…on second thought, don’t tell them anything. Instead, ignore them, turn around, and walk away. Stay away from people like that. Seriously. The world has way more than enough, you don’t need that kind of influence in your life. Surround yourself with people who believe in you, care about you, and root for your success. They also have to be ready and willing to speak truth into your life. That’s for your protection. But most importantly they must have your back.

Make the decision. Turn away from, ignore, and remove the cynicism from your life. Then, get started. DO IT NOW!

 

Texas Lost Some Good People Today

If you’ve had dear friends that have been a crucial part of your life for many years, then you know the pain of losing them when they move. This is an especially difficult part of life for a church family. Of course, after two decades serving as a pastor with the same church, it is something you come to expect. Families move to town. They become integral parts of your church and even your personal life. Then, whether they truly want to or not, life takes a turn, and they are quickly gone…moving on to a new destination.

Our church will most definitely miss this dear family. They have served faithfully, willingly with a heart for others. You name it in the church, and they have had a hand in helping that ministry achieve excellence. God doesn’t just have to replace our friends, but also a big part of our ministry team in our church.

We trust in the knowledge that God definitely has a plan, and that his plans are for our good. Still, the empty feeling of loss that resides in the depths of our hearts is real. And, sometimes the question of “why” just won’t stop its nagging. That’s why I like to stop, think on the memories, and recount all the super fun times we’ve enjoyed together.

Days & Days kiddos

These pictures show just a smidgeon of the fun times we’ve had with this family. It’s crazy! Friends have a way of becoming family when you do life together. Personally, we have done ministry together, seen each other most every week, and spent lots of time together in various ways.

My own baby girl learned how to be a babysitter with these cute faces in these pictures, and my son learned the importance of being an example to others. The age difference between our kiddos provided a very neat opportunity for unique friendships, that I am convinced will last for many, many years to come.

Kym Beck Pres

My wife took on an important job of being a kindergarten teacher, and Becky was sweet enough to jump right in with her. They were side by side for the last three years pouring in to each other as they worked hard to bestow knowledge to their kinders. As a husband, I’ve been increasingly thankful for the friendship Becky has given to my wife. I’ll have my hands full trying to help soften the hurt in her heart in the coming weeks and months.

I was blessed to be there for the first time Eric took his son, Jake hunting. It was a great day as one of our resident hunting experts in Berean, Big Joe, was showing us all the ropes. We didn’t get a ton of doves that day, but we did have lots of fun trying. See what I mean, remembering good times is a good tool in handling sadness.

Jake's 1st hunting trip

So, yeah. The sadness is real, and there is no magic trick to make it disappear with a snap of the fingers. But, we know God wouldn’t have us stay in this sadness-stricken state. He wants us to know that what he has planned to come will be just as amazing. That’s not because the Day family is so easily replaced (FAR from it)…it’s because our God is so awesome!

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”  -Philippians 4:19

“For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.”           -2 Corinthians 1:20

During these times (like we should at all times), we cling tightly to his many promises, and trust his sovereignty in all things. He knows the sadness and the hurt we have, and he’s at work in it all.

Does Your Attitude S#@%…sometimes!

Mine sure does…suck, that is. Please excuse the word choice. I know it’s harsh, and I would normally go with something like stink, but sometimes my attitude is honestly way worse that just stinking. And, the harshness of that word is incredibly accurate as it points to the sin that overtakes me and torpedoes my attitude.

Of course, given enough time, I do eventually get over it. And I usually think how sad it is that I let myself get so focused on different things and circumstances that it took over my whole attitude. However, if I’m not careful, I end up doing it all over again.

Why is that?

Attitude collage

With all the clever, sayings & quotes, memes, graphics, etc…you’d think we could just pick ourselves up out of the doldrums, grab some encouragement and move on. Of course, it is often much harder than that, and for some, a bad attitude can stick around for many days, even weeks.

Real quickly, I just wanted to drop a few words that might help, if this finds you dealing with a bad attitude.

Ask yourself these questions to evaluate yourself…

  1. Did someone do something that attributed to my attitude problem?
  2. If so, why did I (or continually do I) give them such power over me?
  3. Did something I do cause my attitude to tank?
  4. Was it just one thing, or did multiple things stack up on each other?
  5. Are things exactly as you think they are, or are you assuming?

Part of our sin nature is to care about what people think of us, to care about how people treat us, to get down on ourselves, and to think that our perception of reality is always correct. People will say, “Well, he said ‘_________’. What else could he have meant by that? He clearly has a problem with me.” We leave no room for the possibility that there might be another explanation. On top of that, we are very good at adding things up until we have this tower of issues that submerges our attitude to the depths of our being.

In a very real sense, we want to be our own god. We want total control over what happens to us, how we’re treated, how others handle their own lives, etc. If it connects to us at all, we want things to go the way we want things to go. In other words, we want to be the gods of our own lives…controlling all circumstances and situations in a way that we see fit.

Instead, we should be looking at each situation with humility.

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.      -Philippians 2:3-4

 

We are, instead of trying to be our own god, to have the mind of Christ.

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus    -Philippians 2:5

Even when things go sideways, people actually do treat us poorly, and sin against us, the call on our lives is to follow the Lord’s example. Jesus faced real trials, persecution and suffering. Yet, in the midst of it all, he remained hopeful and was ever patient.

When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.       -1 Peter 2:23

When you find yourself stuck in this position, fighting your attitude, and nothing seems to help you get unstuck, do these two things.

First, go to a good family member or friend who you know loves God, and loves you. Even if you have a stack of issues, it’s a safe bet that one person isn’t at the center of it all. Find that person, share your heart, and let them be a blessing to you.

Second (and most importantly), sit down and make a list of the great blessings you have in your life. I hear you right now saying, “Oh yeah, I know, be grateful. I get it.” And you’ve got that rolling eyes smirk on your face. Get past that self-centered bull, and begin to make an actual list of the ways God has blessed you. You will be amazed at how your heart can begin to shift when you are focused on God’s goodness to you.